I usually do not like to watch the news because of all of the chaos and controversy they broadcast, but for some reason I tuned in one morning back around the pandemic. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, but I found something I wish I hadn’t: my favorite idol and singer, Bad Bunny, who I had idolized and enjoyed listening to since I was ten years old. was on the cover of Playboy Magazine. He’d made the news with the event because he was the first-ever digital cover star with two covers. He was also the only man besides the late Playboy founder Hugh Hefner to appear solo on the cover of the cult-favorite publication. 

Bad Bunny probably seems like an odd choice for a role model. His lyrics aren’t as pristine and pure as parents might hope, but I had always enjoyed the message he conveyed and had looked up to him over the years for the positive words he always had for his haters and other people who would talk about his downfall. He has been a role model who many teenagers have looked up to and hoped to emulate one day. His music has made me into the person I am today by helping me come out of my shell and be more confident in myself. I had always thought of Bad Bunny as someone who likes to set an example of someone and would do anything to make his fans happy and lead them in the right direction. This move, being on the cover of Playboy, was a huge step back from the role model I had built him up to be. I was so disappointed in him, and it almost felt personal, like when I have a misunderstanding with my friends. 

In an interview he said, “I do all of this and I’m not even sure what I cause. It’s not until someone comes up to me and tells me, ‘Man, thank you,’ that I realize the impact.” And maybe that is what happened here. At least that is what I try to tell myself as I watch the news coverage, even as I feel my heart drop because I know that this is a person I am not going to be able to continue to look up to. I argue with myself. Maybe, I think, maybe what he did helped other individuals to feel more comfortable about themselves. Wouldn’t that make it a good thing? No matter how hard I tried to convince myself, though, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this man was no longer someone I could look up to.

I have not listened to his music or liked his posts on Instagram since his appearance in the magazine. Sometimes I do miss the music, but some of his lyrics and the way he expresses himself much differently to how he did before reminds me of why I decided to cut him off. Although, I’ve yet to take down a picture I have of him hanging in my bedroom, mainly because I would have to repaint the spot behind the painting and I do not want to.

A part of me does not want to let go, but I know I need to.